Monday, February 24, 2014

Ugh Blah Meh :(

Normally Sunday is MANI-DAY! I love spreading out my towel over the kitchen table, sorting through my big plastic storage bin of beautiful little colored bottles, picking out just the right shade that I'm in the mood for that day, and finding some kind of design that perfectly complements the color. Unfortunately today I was just in no mood for such things. I was stuck in the doldrums big time, and what's worse is that it started Friday night - I pretty much let my whole weekend with my awesome husband slip by with hardly any words exchanged between us :( 
It started on Friday night when we were out on our usual "date night" - coffee and donuts after work. Everything was going just fine and we were having a nice evening until the ride home. I was picking my lip and he told me that I was picking. He said I should stop and I said I didn't want to. As usual, I "shut down" and didn't want to talk to him anymore. Then he got mad which makes me shut down even more. I don't know what it is exactly; it's hard to explain. I think part of it is shame and embarrassment... anyone other than him would probably pretend not to notice and "politely" not say anything. But because we are so close nothing is off limits, and when he points it out I just wish I was a turtle so I could crawl into my shell and hide. Also, the fact that it makes him mad that I don't stop picking actually makes me mad! After all this time together (not to mention seeing a therapist last year), I just don't believe how he can think it is as easy as "Oh okay, I'll just stop doing that." The shame over being called out, the anger over his anger, and the frustration over not being able to stop puts me into a tailspin of sadness. When I was seeing the aforementioned therapist, we discussed my anxiety and depression a bit, but not as much as the picking itself. Perhaps I should have spoken up a bit more more about the depression, because it's definitely a problem. I just turn into a different person... I don't want to move, not even to get up off the couch to go to sleep. I'd rather just sit there spacing out. And once I finally do find my way to bed, I never want to get out. On Saturday I was looking at some blogs and posts by people with dermatillomania, and I found this interesting read by a young teenage girl. Two things she said jumped out at me:
I have nothing to look forward to during the day, so thus I spend a lot of time sleeping as much and as long as I can, just so I don't have to deal with the tedium of being awake.
I know that I should reach out. Complaining about my situation isn't going to fix it, and I fully acknowledge my role in perpetuating the problem.
Although the "tedium of being awake" is entirely self-induced, I just have no interest in doing anything, so sleep seems like the best option. I definitely didn't used to be like this, and I really hope I can kick this thing without having to go back to a therapist or take any medication. I do have "good days" where I'm totally motivated to do things, and interested in going out and about, but I hate that they are sandwiched between this crap. But the clouds finally started to part today and I think I'm feeling better/a little more normal. This is partly due to taking the advice of "going through the motions even when you don't feel like it" - which actually can make me feel better - but largely due to my husband. We are talking again, and I'm so glad. Honestly, if it weren't for him I don't know where I'd be.

I know that I should reach out. Complaining about my situation isn't going to fix it, and I fully acknowledge my role in perpetuating the problem. - See more at: http://www.bandbacktogether.com/post/3950/#comments

I know that I should reach out. Complaining about my situation isn't going to fix it, and I fully acknowledge my role in perpetuating the problem. - See more at: http://www.bandbacktogether.com/post/3950/#comments

I know that I should reach out. Complaining about my situation isn't going to fix it, and I fully acknowledge my role in perpetuating the problem. - See more at: http://www.bandbacktogether.com/post/3950/#comments
I know that I should reach out. Complaining about my situation isn't going to fix it, and I fully acknowledge my role in perpetuating the problem. - See more at: http://www.bandbacktogether.com/post/3950/#comments

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